Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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