My cat gives me a boner
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
