well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
