If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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