So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
