so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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