My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
