How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
