i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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