I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
