Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Barsexuality is the new black.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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