Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
