im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
this hospital has no fireball
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
