umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You smell like stripper and shame
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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