I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize