I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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