apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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