you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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