So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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