I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
