I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
