Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize