I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
