Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
