PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
