Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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