she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
