Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
