We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize