So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
