She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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