forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
