I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
