My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize