Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
