Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
