I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize