theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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