You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
