just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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