the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
