I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
