Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
