So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
