dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
