Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
