i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
