He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
