It's like a parade of train wrecks.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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