I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
