Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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