Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
