I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
