Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
