i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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