I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
