You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
