we have pet lesbian snakes
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she peed on how many people?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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