just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
