Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
