The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
