she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
