please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
