you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
