I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize