Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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