Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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