she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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