I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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