He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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